I am 5 years into my child loss journey and it has not gotten easier to live without Jeremy, it's just different. I think about my Son every day, just as I do my Daughter and my GrandSons and all those whom I love and cherish.
It's difficult to talk about Jeremy as much as I did when he was alive and to share stories about him like I do his Sister. However, I yearn to be able to talk about him, not because I seek sympathy and want people to feel sorry for me but because my Son was a living, breathing human being. I am not always able to talk about him without crying and that makes people very uncomfortable, so I stopped. I talk to myself instead. For a short 26 years, he brought 1/2 the light into my life and deserves to be talked about and remembered. The good and the not so good... my Son was not a Saint.
In 1981, his birth was quick and brought me such joy and happiness. In 2007, his death was also quick and it brought me such shock, pain and devastation that acceptance is nearly impossible... all I'm able to do is acknowledge that it happened.
My Son, in his death, is as much a part of me as in his life. I have no words to express how much I miss my Sonshine and if it weren't for my two Grandsons growing up before my very eyes, I would say time has been standing still since November 4th, 2007.
Life goes on... life is for the living... etc. etc... but these are hard words to swallow when you've buried a child.
I dreamt a few times about Jeremy after he was killed and they were never pleasant. I always woke up either crying or very sad. Then, in January of 2008, I had my last dream of him as an adult. :( I was lying on a grassy hill and I was hugging a pillow really tightly and I had my eyes closed. I felt a kiss on my cheek and he said "You tired Ma?" and I said "Is that you Jer?!" he laughed and said "of course it's me Mom, who else?!" So I said (still with eyes closed) "OK so what is your social security number?" He laughed again and rattled it off. I opened my eyes and said "Woohoo It is you!" and he gave me a wonderfully big BEAR hug and another kiss and said "I won't be seeing you for awhile Mom." It was then I knew that my dream was not going to have a happy ending but I was so so happy to see and talk to him in my dream. I have not dreamt about him as an adult since. I don't think he's going to come back but I do dream of him as a child. A lot. I just wish I could see him again as the man he was.