I do not feel the least bit stronger or "better" since Jeremy died, however... I *do* sometimes find comfort in the words that were sent to me and continue to be sent, as the days go by. The comfort that you have given me deserves to be posted.
Since I did not obtain your permission to post your letters, I have left your name off. I know who you are and for the rest of my life, I will be grateful to you for your support and love.
I hope the below quote is true and happens to me... someday.
Thank you.
Jeanne
"That cloak we are forced to wear when death visits is heavy - sometimes it just seems as if we don't have the strength to stand anymore. But we do. We grow strong very, very slowly - imperceptively so - from wearing that heavy cloak. Someday you will see that you are walking again just as fast as before you donned it. It will still be around your shoulders, shielding a part of you, but it won't seem as cumbersome, rather you may find yourself gathering its folds close in, comforting you with its familiarity. He rests in peace and his memory and the love you have for him are woven into the very cloth of your existence. Until you meet again."
***
(I was given permission to share this beautiful letter written to me by my precious and beautiful Daughter. Thank you Coley. I love you. To the Moon and Back and Back Again.)
My Mom –
After having read all these wonderful letters people have written to you, that I never knew existed, I sit here more proud of you than ever. I have always known how incredible, amazing, warm, genuine, and extraordinary of a person you are, but now I can see that anyone that comes into contact with you sees it as well.
We have been through so much as a family: you, Bear and I. You are the reason we are who we have become: two strong, loving, respectable people, little clones of their Mommy. I look back and think how did we make it through? How are we still standing with our heads held high? Because of you. You and only you.
Not many people know the true bond the three of us have and will never understand, but that’s irrelevant. We know how we held each other up when things got bad. Bear always provided the laughter, you provided the constant love, and I provided the forgiveness. Nothing can ever take away or break that.
I am so thankful to have you as my mentor, my hero, my mother, and am especially thankful for having Jeremy as my older brother, always teaching me to just laugh at whatever hand life dealt me. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and he knew it.
It breaks my heart each and every single day to think our laughter has been taken from us. Life has to go on for both you and I, as much as we want Father Time to just give us a long pause. I will always be your backbone when you need me, whether you like it or not! :) I will always do my best to provide the laughter in Jeremy’s absence; I know he would appreciate that. :)
I love you so much more than words can express. When it is our time, we will once again see our Sonshine and our Bear. I promise.
All my heart and then some,
Coley
(Jeanne's note: We scattered by Dad's ashes on 9/01/08)
Hi. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I was thinking of you yesterday also. I hope it went okay and that it was....I don't know...nice isn't at all the right word. Maybe just that you felt that your Dad would have approved of the ceremony? Maybe in some way that you could feel him looking down on you a little bit? Maybe that you could feel Jer hanging out with him and making some wise crack that would have had everyone laughing if they could only have heard him? I know you believe differently than I do, so I'm not trying to offend you, but I truly believe the energy that was contained in your dad and in Jeremy didn't just end!! I think it just moved on to the next stage - whatever you believe that is. I know that it must have been a super hard weekend, and a very hard yesterday and today, 'cause at every situation like this you are suffering both the loss of Jeremy and the loss of your Dad. (Not that you don't every day anyway!) Anyway, I just hope you are doing okay. You are in my heart and if you need anything at all, please just call me. XOXOXOXO
Jeanne,
You were the perfect mom for Jeremy. Your love for him penetrated anyone you spoke to about him. I loved that: knowing that this young man always had you in his back pocket, unconditionally, forever. For you to have to deal with this tragedy breaks my heart. I only hope that the love and tenderness that lives inside you, that you so freely share with others, will help you cope with this unbearable grief. All my love to you,
Jeanne,
I did always look to u to the closeness you guys shared!! You always had this special bond with your kids! Your a GREAT Mom! I think you probibly know that, but I just wanted to remind you :) It's very true though...you always put your kids first! Your kids always respected you and did whatever they could to make you happy. You did a great job. Thanks for your words of wisdom to me. I hope Isaiah and I will share the same amount of love that the three of you have.
(Jeanne's note: My dearest friend on the planet (besides my Daughter of course) sent me this pic with this explanation.)
"It is a clematis vine that I have named Jeremy, it has this quirky little way of opening its flowers. Not exactly opening toward you but kind of off to almost the side. Like its winking at you, and his name just came to my mind." Hello Beautiful Woman:
Thanks so much for the Mother's Day card. I really appreciate it.
Sorry I haven't been in touch much. I have been having elbow problems and had a little procedure last week and haven't been typing much.
When I think of great Mothers, you are definitely one of them. Your beautiful son is a prime example of how wonderful a Mother you are.
God bless. Hope all is well and that you are managing day to day.
We still have to do that lunch.
Much love,
Every day that passes will lessen the feelings of the act of losing him. Nothing will lessen the fact that he is not here. The ocean has that effect, its bigger than all of us, moving and filled with life and life giving. Its "some where out there". I feel the same when I look at the stars, so much out there. All of the things that happen on this planet happened and are happening out there for some one else. We are never alone but some how lonely. Creation helps us remember our place in the scheme of things. Fleeting, small, but important just as every little thing is. I love you, you love me and we love our loved ones. He is not here, but he is some where and every where. If it turns out we are just animals in the chain and nothing happens to us when we go, I will refuse to go.
Hi Jeanne,
I wish I could offer some sort of comfort, but unfortunately all I can do is let you know that I truly care. While one of your angels was taken from you and, as you’ve said, a part of you died, you are still Jeanne. Forever changed, but still Jeanne. You may not be the happy sunny person that we all know, but when I see you I can practically feel your pain, I see your love and I know you’re still Jeanne. Pain and Stress are bad things! No one can change the way you feel, you are YOU, and you get to feel the way you feel. Not me, or anyone else can change that. As your friend, I can tell you that I care, I’m here, I haven’t forgotten. While dreaming bad things is probably normal, in your shoes, I have no doubt I would as well. Over the many years we’ve worked together we’ve talked about your kids often, I saw you go through hell with Jeremy (darn teenagers!) and saw your relationship evolve, which they have a way of doing. When you talked to me about it, there was never any doubt about your pride and love. I know Jeremy is NOT in hell and one day you WILL see him again, I’m sure he is looking down on you know and hates to see your pain. As a son, I can tell you there is no doubt in my mind about this. I’m sure he looks forward to the day he can see his mom again. A mother/son bond is an incredible thing! Ok, I’m probably carrying on way to much, sorry, I was just typing whatever came out of my head from my heart. I’m thinking about you……
Hi Jeanne, I'm touched that what I wrote was comforting enough for you to want to read it again. Good. not silly at all. If something brings you comfort or joy, it should be cherished, especially when you need comfort and joy. I think you will find a lot of wisdom in The Prophet. I have heard it quoted in weddings, baptisms and funerals... He has interesting and thought provoking metaphors. Jeanne, I'm really glad you wrote to me, that you forwarded the sweet and funny exchange between you and Jeremy. It can be very easy to start thinking that you 'should have' gotten over it, or that you should be able to handle it, or that other people won't want to hear about it. The last is *sometimes* true - sometimes one person's grief can overwhelm another, or just make them really uncomfortable, but you are absolutely right when you say the pain doesn't go away. It will always hurt. I think that the edges of it do get a little less raw, so that you can start functioning in the world and get by - find that equilibrium I talked about before. But my experience, both personal and what I've seen with other people, is that it really takes years before it doesn't feel so recent. That's one of the things that is hard for people around us. In American culture we get a few days 'bereavement leave' from work. My old company offered 3 days (I think) if it was someone close. People will expect grief to affect your life for a few months perhaps, but I think in general people usually expect you to be 'back to normal' pretty much within three months or so. After that time, it can be harder to talk about, but I really do want you to know that you can certainly write to me about Jeremy whenever you want - feel free to send me his beautiful baby pictures (even Ray looked like a baby in that picture!) or tell me stories that you are thinking about. It's also okay to just say you miss him and are hurting so bad that you don't know what to do. If you need to talk, you can also phone me, but with family and life obligations, it can be harder to drop everything, and I would hate for you to feel as if the reason I couldn't talk was because I didn't want to hear what you have to say. I can only imagine the extent of your grief, but I will tell you that losing one of my children has always been a fear for me. The Pastor at Jeremy's memorial was very wise to say that bemoaning someone's death and asking 'Why?' is pointless. We don't know. I'm not sure knowing would really make us feel any better... and we find ourselves back to knowing that the depth of our grief and pain are directly related to the depth of our love. What gets easier with the passage of time is the ability to remember good things about people we love without the pain of their passing being quite so fresh and raw - at some point we really can laugh and remember that wild expression on a face careening down a hillside with total abandon, and perhaps not always think about how that same love of speed and thrills is part of how and why they left us in such an untimely way. Then, one night, I was lying awake imagining my son going off to college, and I felt that gut wrenching fear for him, and it hit me: I am never going to stop worrying about losing him. Somehow, knowing that this is simply a part of my being a parent, made it easier. I just accept that this is part of who I am and how I parent. I must try to balance my anxiety with my desire for my children to grow into independent and capable people. I watch them carefully on the playground, and try to take cues from other parents (whom I trust!) as to what is reasonable to expect my child to be able to do. I don't worry about scratches or bruises... but breathing ailments, head and spinal injuries... falls. I recognize that there is a part of me that is not entirely rational in my judgement of these risks. So, as I sat crying at Jeremy's funeral, I cried for Jeremy, who I barely knew, I cried for Mark, again, I cried for Jeremy's sister (at least when Mark died, I had another brother who grieved with me) I cried for Aiden and my fears for him, and I cried for you, Jeanne... I can't know what you are going through, but I have imagined it too many times and too many ways not to have a sense of at least some of it. I saw, also, what my stepmother, Mark's mother, went through after his death. She still honors the day of his death - sometimes in weird ways that other people cannot understand and even find disturbing, but that is one of the things about grief. We each do it in a different way - and it's different with every loss, because you never love two people in exactly the same way. You need to trust your heart and find some balance between honoring your grief and healing in whatever meaningful way that you can, and reveling in it to such an extent that your life stagnates. In your case, given Jeremy's bright and loving spirit, I think you can trust in thoughts of what he would have wanted to guide you. and I am so happy (and, I confess, relieved!) to hear that your grandbaby bear is due in June. It will be hard growing up without knowing his or her father, but there can be no doubt that the legacy of love from Jeremy will fill this child's life through many wonderful people. love,
I was just sitting here looking at Jeremy's website and all the pictures of him and ...... GOD he's gorgeous! I looked at ALL the pic's and I see your glow in his face. I see that smile so pure. Jeremy will always consume your life. Death is a tricky bitch! Jer passed at 26, but even if he had been 62: MIss Jeanne, you would still feel so deeply hurt. The bond,the connection you have with your son would and never will make death easier. It makes you more consumed by it and the fact that no matter how hard you pray : you can't make it un-real. Perhaps perfection seems to bold A WORD here to apply, For once love penetrates the heart it spreads to cloud the eye. Still we in blindness take a chance And gladly join in Cupid's dance. For every joyful heart has shown; Perfection dwells in love alone. I leave you with this poem and pray for you and Nicki and .... I wish I had something clever to say. I love you both. please take care of each other.
Dearest Jeanne, I don't recall details of your girlfriends illness. I'm so sorry, you truly have unfairly experienced more than your share of life's pain. I've often wondered how you got through that incident with Nicki; what it did to your little family. Why is it bad things happen to good people? I used to dwell on the unfairness of it; how can you have murderers and abusers alive and well and those precious, special people that contributed so much to enrich our lives are wounded or gone? I still don't have an answer that allows me to stop pondering; doubt I ever will. I do take comfort in believing that our lives, here on earth, can be considered "hell". Seeing innocent children hurt, the pain of love and loss, even the everyday stress and exhaustion of making a living and providing for your family. When you leave this earth and go to "heaven" your life is blissful, calm and loving without the pain, suffering, sadness we experience in the earthly world. It's your reward for living a good earthly life. If you are not a kind, loving, caring person in the earthly world, perhaps you are returned to earth (reincarnated) to try and do better. I like to believe that Karen (Mark's sister) and Jeremy left this world early because they were so special and wonderful that they were rewarded early, they are truly in a better place. In an odd sense we should be happy for them. We on the other hand, remain on earth to mourn them and feel the constant pain of their absence, along with all the other "awfuls" in the world. That's my version of heaven and hell and what prompts me to try and be a better earthly person.
Jeanne,
While those who love you can never feel the pain you feel, they can hurt for you, never forget that. It's not up to you to "take care" of them, or make them feel better, but let them grieve for you, if that makes sense.
Knowing you as I think I do, you will be "okay" even though never the same. Each day will be a little easier, although you'll always have your moments, and your bad days.
You will never forget him, it will always hurt, and while I don't like that you have to hurt, it really can't be any other way. And, seriously --- better to hurt than to turn off all feelings.
Much, much, love.
My dearest Darling,
I am so sorry for yet another loss. You were a good daughter and gave your Dad much joy in both you and your children. He is no longer in pain and I am sure that he and Jeremy are together and having a good catch up chat. I am glad that he will have someone to meet him and keep him company until we all see him again. I love you Jeanne, I am so sorry that so much has been taken from you. Last week I lost a woman that was what my mother was supposed to be. Since Jeremy it seems like all I do I cry. When I saw you dad last, he didn’t recognize me right off the bat (who would with this grey hair) but when I felt he didn’t recognize me I say “ will the King of Hearts come out and dance “. Then he recognized me. Its funny what we remember. I love you honey
Jeanne,
I feel so bad that the world is not your friend right now. That when you need comfort and tenderness you aren’t getting it. You are grieving and yet YOU have to be sure that YOU don’t offend someone else with your grief. That is a sad commentary to humanity. Wow, no wonder people go into deep depression. Grief combined with isolation is a powerful combination for lots and lots of pain. What a beautiful passage, I’m crying of course. For you and for Jeremy, for the depth of the love you shared. I did go to the site you made for him and I was so impressed with his ability to express his feelings through his poetry. Not many men can do that. He was special. Sounds like so much is a struggle for you. Sleeping not enough, sleeping too much, needing to be home and needing to be at work, being avoided and feeling like a leper. I wish I could make it go away for you… If you think of anything that I can do to help you please let me know. Love,
Jeanne, my heart is breaking for you. I can't keep up face and say something hopeful. I can't say anything except I AM SO SORRY! I AM SO MAD! I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!! None of this makes sense. I wish I could hug you right now. I love my life yet I wake up every day and wonder how I could of made this different... Maybe if I would have stayed around? I don't have anything clever to say to make you feel better. He should be here! Death sucks and time is endless. That's all I can say. I grieve for you, for Nicki, for his son and for myself. I'm sorry. I cry for you tonight. Please hold on. Please hold hope as close as possible. Please find the light your looking for in the spirit of your grandson. Thinking of you always
Jeanne,
You were the perfect mom for Jeremy. Your love for him penetrated anyone you spoke to about him. I loved that: knowing that this young man always had you in his back pocket, unconditionally, forever. For you to have to deal with this tragedy breaks my heart. I only hope that the love and tenderness that lives inside you, that you so freely share with others, will help you cope with this unbearable grief. All my love to you,
Jeanne: Honey you have a right to be sad. You have had a child taken away too early and for no, known to us, reason. You have the right to rage, but you have nothing to fix your rage on. It was a stupid accident. No one shot him, no one did something so you have no one to fix your anger on. Your son was taken from you with no explanation and not in the way he was supposed to, old age. You have the right to be sad, angry, hurt, and just about any other emotion. You have to grieve for the loss of what could have been. You have every right to feel all the feelings you want to feel and no one has the right to tell you what to feel and what not to feel. Or how long to feel it. You will miss him forever until you see him again. You can sit and talk to him in your yard, on your couch or anywhere else you are comfortable. You can do this every Sunday until the cows come home if you want to. Time and distance will take the edge off of it some day, but never the hurt, the loneliness. You are okay to feel every feeling you have and that comes to you.
So you take care my lovey, you feel what you want to and don't hide it. I am on the other end of the phone at any time and you are welcome here any time. Come up for the weekend and then go touring....................or not. I have tivo and that's always fun.
Jeanne, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear about your son. You and I have had many conversations about your kids and I know how close you are to them. As a mother myself of kids the same age, I know it hurts. Jeanne, if there's anything I can do for you and your family, please let me know. Take care and My Sincerest Condolences to You, your daughter, your husband and your whole family.
Dear Jeanne, I have no words to tell you how sad I am for you and for everyone in your family. My heart is broken for you - my chest is caved in. I feel like I can't breath - I can't possibly imagine what you especially, and also Nicki and Vern and the rest of your family are going through. How could this have happened?? I don't understand it, I can't comprehend it, I want to make it not true!! There are no words to adequately express....anything! Jeremy was truly a wonderful, loving, affectionate son - you guys had such a kool relationship. He always knew he could talk to you. This is the worst thing ever! I am so , so unbelievably, unbearably sorry. And mad!!! Please, please Jeanne, if there's anything at all that I can do, let me know. I can come and sit with you any time night or day. I'll come right now, even, if you want. If you don't want, that's okay too, I understand. Whatever you need. You can call me any time night or day - and I'm not kidding. If you need to talk and it's 2:00 am don't hesitate to call or tell me to come over. That's what friends are for. I just want you to know that I'm here for you! Let me know whenever and whatever you need. Ncki's memorial to Jeremy is wonderful - I am sending you both huge hugs. Vern too
Jeanne
I just found out about Jeremy's accident. I'm so sorry, I feel so sad for you. Please accept my feelings of loss for you and Jeremy. I remember him as a little boy. He was so cute and lively. I don't know how to express how I feel except to say I cried when I found out.
My heart is with you!!
Jeanne,
I know I’m thousands of miles away, but my heart is with you. I think of you every hour, hug you and wipe your tears, press a soft tissue into your hand.
That whisper you hear is my voice reminding you that Jeremy is with you, now and always. Now is not easy. You will be sad tomorrow and many tomorrows to come, but you are filled with love for Jeremy and Nicole and all your family and feel our love that surrounds you.
Dear one. if you think of anything I can do for you, just ask.
Love from miles away is love just the same. :*
Jeanne, We are sorry to hear about Jeremy and that we didn't get to see the man he'd become. After reading the guestbook, we feel we got to know Jeremy a little bit and know that he would want you to hold only the best of who he was and what he did and not how he left you too soon. Know that we are here for you. We know this has to be hitting you harder than anyone else. Please let the people around you take care of you. We wanted to write both this and the guestbook entry together because if it weren't for you, our friendship might have drifted apart. We owe you Jeanne, you can collect anytime.
Hello Jeanne and Nicki,
You have been on my mind a lot - with the same questions you probably have. Why are good people taken away? I'm sure some one out there knows why but it does not make sense. Five years a go we lost a nephew on his 21st birthday, car accident driving his best friend home, no he was not drunk, just tired and we assume feel a sleep. He also was a very good young men and left behind a sister that he adored and she in return always looked up to him. Maybe John and Jeremy already met where ever they are and sharing jokes and talking about their sisters, probably still watching you Nicki so keep making him proud... Every one will give you ideas on how to survive, but I know you will find your own way, just one thing I wanted to share, John always came to our Thanksgiving, and that may be feel special, so on the first thanksgiving, I had on the table 3 candles ( one for John and the other two for John's grand parents that died the same year), did not say anything until some one mentioned John, and I said he is here... Looks at the candles... so do have a family Thanksgiving Jeremy would want you to, and put a single candle and Jeremy will be with you. With Love from an old friend.
Hi Jeanne,
Vern mentioned that you planned to return to work today, so I just thought I'd send you a little note to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts.
I hope you find your work a source of soothing occupation for your hands and mind this week. When a world is turned inside out, sometimes familiar and mundane tasks can be soothing. All I can suggest is that you allow yourself to take one minute at a time, and give yourself permission to defer, delay, and delegate whenever you need to. There's no sure formula for living through grief, because every experience is different. All a person can do is what feels like it will work the best at the moment.
And I think you should go home early:)
love and big hugs,
Jeanne,
I’ve been thinking about you and what you must be going through without any possible way of understanding it. I’ve struggled to think of what to say or how to say it and am lost for words. My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish I could say something that would somehow lift, even a small fraction, of the pain you have to have, but also know I can say nothing and a part of your heart has been taken that can never be replaced and while time can help, the hole will always exist. I pray that you can somehow find some amount of peace.
