These shall be my last words to you for 2008. I hope you are having a Heavenly time where you are and are aware of all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) things going on down here.
It's been a rough year and at the risk of sounding pessimistic, I don't see 2009 being much different.
I've been reading some excellent books written by loving Moms who have had to bury a child. Although I didn't do very well in group this year, I do find reading somewhat helpful. The group situation just caused me a lot more pain and despair and I didn't even think that was possible.
Your Sister and I will never be the people we were before you died. She and I have changed and the pain and sadness that we feel from your death has created huge differences in who we once were. Most can not accept that and that is OK. Those who are closest to us and don't expect us to "get over it" seem to understand that time heals nothing as far as we're concerned and we will be shattered forever. I'm so tired of hearing "God is good," "Jeremy's in a better place," "give it time," "be strong" blah blah blah, ad nauseum.. I'm just sick of it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no. Just... No. No to all of it. Until these "well meaning" people have loved and raised you and then lived to see their Sonshine die and understand what that means and the intense shattering of the heart your death caused... No. No one's Sonshine died but mine.
I want to live to be with your Sister... and I want to die to be with you. I am a torn and shattered Mom.
I love you Jeremy.
I miss you so very much. To the Moon and Back and Back again.
Happy Heavenly New Year to You My Precious Sonshine.
December 25, 2008
Hello My Precious Sonshine,
Merry Heavenly Christmas to you. I love you Jer. I miss you so much. To the moon and back and back again.
My love always, Your Mahies xoxoxoxo
December 23, 2008
Sonshine, your Babyboy is so sweet and cute. He is already developing such a fun personality just like his Daddy.
I miss you Jeremy. I miss your warm and loving Sonshine hugs and your amazing laugh.
I love you Jer. Merry Heavenly Christmas.
All my love, Mahies
December 10, 2008
The sun has set on another day... I spent the evening with your sister tonight Sonshine...she brings me to life even if we're not doing a thing but watching TV together. You were always your Sister's Guardian Angel, I hope you are still watching over her. I wish someone had been watching over you so that you were not taken from me so soon.
I miss you Jeremy, gawd so much. I love you Sonshine. To The Moon and Back and Back again, I miss you.
November 28 2008
My Precious Sonshine,
Thoughts of you swam through my heart and soul yesterday, more than usual. It's difficult to feel "thankful" since you are not here with me but I try to be thankful for the short time we had as opposed to what I really feel which is anger that it was way *too* short. I am very thankful for your sister though, she insists that I lean on her when in fact she isn't standing much stronger than I. It is clear to me that I must have done something right in raising you both. You two grew up to be amazing and loving adults and I am so proud of you both.
I love you Jer. I miss you so very much; to the moon and back and back again.
Happy Thanksgiving my Beloved Son.
All my love, Your Mahies.
November 22 2008
Sonshine, what a brutal time of year. Gone are the days where I would come so alive during the fall and winter months. This was always my favorite time of the year, with the weather changing and the holidays coming... but now, nothing. Where there was once brightness and joy there is now just a dim reminder of what was and such sadness in my heart.
I miss you Jeremy Ray Haywood, so very much. To the Moon and Back and Back again, my beautiful boy. I love you. Happy Holidays Sonshine. My Love, Mahies
November 9 2008
November 4, 2008
A year has passed Your life ended too fast Yesterday the call came? No a year. Feels the same Time works no magic Your death too tragic Tear stains on my cheeks The pain felt so deep The crush of my heart My world's torn apart Are you in Heaven Jer? watching from up there? Please send me a sign My Precious Sonshine.
I love and miss you so so much Jeremy. To the Moon and Back and Back Again. From the sweet baby I gave birth to, to the amazing Man you had become - I miss all of you.
Precious Sonshine - it's a year, it's a month, it's a week, it's a day, it's an hour, it's a minute... it's all the same since you went to Heaven. Sadness abounds. I love you Jer. I miss you to the Moon and back and back again.
November 1, 2008
Over a month has passed since I've sat down and written in my journal. I know my Son can't read what I write so maybe at some point between then and now I realized how utterly hopeless writing to him was. I don't know how I feel actually. I do know that I talk to him outloud and in my head every day. I say good night to him and kiss his picture that I wear around my neck and I say good morning to him each morning that I put it on. I know that close to a year has passed since he died and time hasn't moved a minute for me. I know people continue on with their lives and of course I have had to continue with going through the motions of living. Not for Jeremy because it really doesn't matter that people say to me "it's what Jeremy would want".. yes.. probably so... but Jeremy isn't a Mom whose beloved Sonshine died unexpectedly and entirely too young... no, I go through the motions for my precious Coley and I know she does the same for me. Without each other I really don't know where the other would be so all we can do is continue to hold each other up as best we can. I still feel the pain of Jeremy's death as if I just received the tragic call 5 minutes ago. No one can prepare another human being for such a tragedy and yet strangely enough somehow we go on even with half a heart. My Sonshine no longer walks the earth with me but he lives inside my heart and soul and perhaps by some miracle of the afterlife, he and I will meet again. I love you Jeremy. To the Moon and Back and Back again. It hurts how much I miss you, truly, deeply hurts.
September 29,2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine,
Well my 48th birthday is over, thank goodness. How weird that getting through your birthday without you, 5 days before mine, was a little easier than getting through my own. How hard it was to have cards out on the hutch as we always did for birthdays and not have one there from you. I brought out the card you gave me last year and displayed it with the current ones that I received from others. (You *know* how I love cards!) When Nicki first saw it she thought I had written it to myself and signed your name because she said our writing is very similar. She said she thought "OK, a little weird but Mom has to do what she needs to do." ... I think she felt a little better when I told her it really was from you, last year. Ha. She worries about my sanity sometimes, I'm sure! Poozers gave me an "Our Mom" card and signed it from the both of you. I was so touched and emotional over that thoughtful gesture. Your Sister continually saves me from my own destruction. You would be so proud of her... I'm sure you're up there just smiling away at her strength. You taught her a lot Jer - you were her "Dad" for so many years. Thank you for helping me raise such a beautiful, loving and thoughtful woman... you both are my precious gems.
Sarah and the kidlets sent me the *most* delicious chocolate covered strawberries that I have ever tasted. They were divine! For now on if any one ever asks me what I want for any occasion, it's Shari's Berries! :) Yum.
Your Son is growing by leaps and bounds! He turned 3 months old on your birthday. I don't know about for his Momma but time sure flies for his GrandMahies. He changes each and everytime I see him - like a different baby every time. He's just beautiful Jer. You would be so proud of your Son. I am so sorry for you that you weren't able to stay on the Earth and enjoy your Babyboy.
I love you Jeremy. To the Moon and Back and Back Again. I miss you so much. I never ever thought I would have to live my life without you here. :(
My Love Forever, Your Mahies
September 22, 2008
My Precious Sonshine. 27 years ago today I was the happiest woman. Your birth gave me more joy than I could have ever possibly imagined. I fell in love with you at first site; you were so beautiful. Today I celebrated that day and simply basked in the feelings that I felt on that day, 27 years ago. Happy Birthday my Precious Jeremy. I love and miss you Sonshine. To the Moon and Back and Back again.
My Love, Your Devoted Mahies. xoxooxoxxo
Sept 12, 2008
My Precious Sonshine,
Sad Depressed Numb Sick Abandoned
These words describe my life and how I feel and have felt for 10+ months.
This month, being September and our very special "birthday month" for you, me and Nicki, I find myself in a deep, deep depression and it's all I can do to get out of bed and do what needs to be done. My sadness is virtually impenetrable and most of the time I just don't feel anything but crushed and numb. My body hurts as if I have a terrible flu and simply moving from one room to another is a difficult chore and requires great effort. This I assume is depression.
Someone recently said that they understand how tragic your death is to me but at some point I need to remember that I am alive. The other person in this conversation spoke very well for me... "She knows but she doesn't care." How right that is.
There are people in my life who don't even find the heart to check on me, ask how I'm doing, if I'm coping, how I'm coping, can they help in any way? NOTHING Jeremy. This of course deepens my sadness and depression. Do people think by ignoring your death and not talking about you that I will forget? Are they NUTS?
I suppose if someone doesn't have children then the thought of outliving a child *isn't* the biggest tragedy in life but those who do have children and love them as deeply and unconditionally as I love you and Nicki, it IS the biggest and worst tragedy that a Mom has to face. You two are my heart Jer, you guys always knew that. My biggest fear Jer, *biggest* fear! Why did it come true? Did I cause this to happen because I was so afraid... that can't be right. It's what good and loving Mom's do, they worry about the health and well-being of their children.
I received some horrifying news at the beginning of this week and Jer, it set me back, physically and mentally... months and months and months. I spent three days barely functioning, just staring at the TV, hoping to escape the reality.
How dare you die!? How dare the Universe take you in the prime of your life? From your 11th - 19th years, all those years that we struggled together to get your life on track and heal your anger and you were growing and changing, you were doing great... for 7 years. That's all you got, SEVEN years? Struggling so hard only to have your life taken away 7 years later? How UNfair is that? I don't care if it's pointless to talk about how unfair life can be, it is, damn it... very unfair. I would give my life for you in an INSTANT Jer. Even if it meant that *I* wouldn't be seeing you, that's OK. You'd be here, enjoying what life has to offer as you should be!
I don't want to be on this Earth without you Jeremy. I think all the thousands and thousands of Mom's who have outlived a child would say the same thing. I can't leave Nicki though if I can help it. She, like you, after all we've been through, deserves to have a wonderful and long life and experiencing all the joys life has to offer. She's earned it damn it and so had you!
I am so damn mad!
I love and miss you so very much Jer.
To the Moon and Back and Back again.
Your Mahies.
Sep 4 2008
My Precious Sonshine,
10 months... 10 long, sad and lonely months... my heart is so heavy. I love you. I miss you so much Jer. To the Moon and Back and Back Again.
Love, Mom
Who You'd Be Today Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. An' sometimes I wonder, Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you, An' I know it might sound crazy.
It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. An' sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today?
Today, today, today. Today, today, today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, Is I know I'll see you again some day.
Some day, some day, some day
Sept 3, 2008 (I have stolen some of these words from another Mom whose child died but I might as well have written them myself since I am living these very same faces.)
My Precious Sonshine,
At times I feel I am one person but with two faces. The first face is the one that most everyone sees. The one with a pretend smile and laugh. It is the one that looks straight into the eyes of the stranger, friend or family member and tells them, sure, I'm hangin' in there. It is the one that asks the question, without speaking the words, do you have any idea of my pain? I know they will never understand, but I want them to so much. Without actually experiencing the death of a child, of course. With out the smile I feel I would frighten everyone away with the look of desperation and sadness. I am sure that I already have, many times.
The second one is the one that only you see up in Heaven, Sonshine. It is the one that won't stop crying for missing you so much. It is the one that I won't allow anyone to be near. It is the face that appears in the middle of the night when I wake up crying from a horrible nightmare of reliving the moment I found out that you died or when I am alone and just reliving all my beautiful memories of you. It is the face that expresses the unbelievable emptiness and gut wrenching pain of the death of you, my only Son, my precious Sonshine.
So when others see me I will (probably) be wearing the first face for I know that is what you would want and what everyone tells me you would want. I also know that you probably don't like my second face but I have to let it out at times. And I know with the help of the power and energy of the Universe, the love and support of your precious Poozers and Pappy Vern, I will make it through each day and I will be with you again...........Someday. I can only hope.
On Monday the 1st, Grandma Sis, Uncle Walt, Nicki, Pappy Vern, two gals you don't know and I went out on a charter in the SF Bay and scattered your Papa's ashes. Papa would have been 73 on that day had he still been alive. I had absolutely no idea how hard it would for me to see my Daddy's ashes floating in the water. Although he died in January, your death has overshadowed my grief for Papa's death and it was just that moment that it hit me. Your death came back and slammed me in the heart as well. Everyone else did a lot better than I did but what else is new?
Everytime I cry for something, I eventually am crying over you.
and back again. I miss you Sonshine. God how I miss you.
Aug 4 2008
and back again. I miss you Sonshine. My heart hurts.
August 1, 2008
My Gorgeous Sonshine - how I miss you each and every second of each and every day. We're having a mini "family day" tomorrow. I will have your picture with me and I will light a candle at the table to express my love for you and to honor your memory. I love you Jer and miss you so so much more than that. (Maybe)
To The Moon and Back and Back Again my Precious Sonshine.
Your Mahies xoxoxoxo
July 15, 2008
My Beloved Sonshine - do you hear me talking to you and sending you my love, each and every day? I hope so. I miss you Jer. I can only deal with living in the moment. I try very hard not to think of how many years I will spend on Earth not seeing my Son again. I am not always successful in squelching those thoughts but I give it my best. I love and miss you Sonshine; to the Moon and Back and Back Again. Lotsa love to you and Papa too. Mom
July 7, 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine, I am sick and tired of people who think they know exactly how I feel and that you wouldn't want me to be sad and unhappy all the time, blah blah blah ad nauseum; they don't have a clue. *I* know exactly how OK it would be with you that I am and always will be so terribly sad for the rest of my life. We talked about death so much and we both knew that I would go first and you would be sad but you would go on... just as children do when they lose their parents. We *NEVER* discussed you dying because that was never going to happen while I was alive... it was unthinkable. It's an insult to my love for you if I am to just go on and be happy; that's ridiculous. My grief runs as deep as my love for you and that has no end. Until these people walk just an inch in my shoes I wish they would leave their "good intentions" at the door. For the others who actually think they feel the pain of missing you as I do... I believe that unless their Son or Daughter has died before them, they do NOT know. I am so angry all the time. How I even manage to dig out of the black hole that I am often in is a complete wonder. I just want to scream and cuss about the unfairness of your death. GOD DAMN IT!
July 4, 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine,
Today marks 8 months since you died and I am still unsure how time marches on without you. My feelings of missing you run so much deeper than any feelings I've ever felt in my lifetime... even the sheer joy that I felt on the days that you and your Sis were born don't compare to the depth of how I miss you. To The Moon and Back and Back Again, I love and miss you my precious Jeremy.
Your Mahies xoxoxoxoxoxo
July 3, 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine - Your Uncle Walt will be 50 tomorrow, damn... I'm not far behind him. Where did the years go? Your Uncle Walt was one of the first people to ever lay eyes on you and he was our designated Jeremy sitter when it was time to give birth to your Sis.... and now he's FIFTY. Holey crapoley, eh?
I hope you're taking good care of the piece of my heart you took with you... your Sis is doing her best to take care of the other half... best Son and Daughter, EVER. I am blessed.
I love and miss you Jeremy. To the Moon and Back and Back Again.
My Love, Mom xoxooxo
Saturday, June 28, 2008 My Sonshine; a writer long before he was a rider.
Jeremy was 12. He wrote me a letter that I carried around in my wallet until a few years before he died. It was getting ruined from being folded and although difficult, I finally put it in my Jeremy keepsake box.
It is not necessary to explain why he wrote me this letter, suffice it to say that the three of us, Jeremy, Nicki and I, were dealing with a family crisis and Jeremy's escape was to write.
Before it becomes completely illegible from age, it's time for me to get it typed and saved and what better place than on Jeremy's website. I have typed it exactly as Jeremy wrote it. Can you just hear the 12 year old boy trying to be a man? My Sonshine was incredible, from his first breath to his last.
How lucky I am to have had such an amazing Son to raise and to be able to have seen him grow into an incredible young man with a big heart, kind words for everyone, friends who adored him and loving and warm family values. I am blessed. ***********************************************
1993
She is hurting inside, feeling lonely and lost. She is crying underneath, but happy on top. She is trapped in this horrible world, and she wishes someone wood rescue her. So I have come, come to her rescue. She does not know it, but I think I'm a pretty good poet. I look at her and sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry. She is Happy But I know she is not. I have thought and thought, but I still Don't Quite get it. Sometimes I wish I could read her thoughts But sometimes I can tell. She has anger, lots of anger inside but she is good at keeping it, aside. She is smart, and very creative and I'm glad that she is on my side.
Mom, you have done many things for me, And I'm sorry, but I know that most of it is me. I love you so much that I feel , only sometimes that I might Just lose you. Thank you, mom, I love you.
Friday, June 27, 2008
<gasp> Current mood: angry
What a shocker today.
Hello my Precious Sonshine,
I was stuck in traffic today on 580 and a biker on a sport bike went by... splitting traffic as y'all do and I looked over and good gawd, I had to cover my mouth to stop from just yelling out loud and the tears started to flow. Good thing we weren't going fast.
Same bike, same jacket, same build, same color helmet... it was all so you Jer. I could just close my eyes and pretend you, my precious Son was still alive. How delusional one can become when one is consumed with grief and sadness. Man how I wished it was you on that bike... but alas, it was not.
I miss you Jer.
Monday, June 23, 2008
TTMABABA
Hello My Precious Sonshine.
Your and Sarah's Son, my GrandSonshine is just beautiful. We saw him again tonight and he opened his eyes so big and pretty! (Is pretty ok for a strapping young boy baby?) You would be so proud of your growing little family... and baby makes 3! I really do hope that you're somewhere and you see what is going on. I don't want you to miss out on your Son. I love you Sonshine, to the moon and back and back again. I miss you so much Jeremy. Love, Mom
6/22, YAHOO!
Hello my Precious Sonshine! Sarah did it! Your Son was born on 6/22 at 10:59pm. Poozers and I got to hold him too! It was such an emotional time, wow. Sarah looked incredible! You would never have known she just gave birth to a bouncing baby boy!
You were (ARE) so missed Jeremy! I love you. To the Moon and Back and Back Again.
Your Mahies and your Son's GrandMahies! xoxoxox
Sunday, June 22, 2008
6/22 versus 9/22
Hello my Precious Sonshine - today would be the perfect day for your and Sarah's Son to be born, don't you think? It's 6/22 which of course 22 is a lucky, *lucky* number since it's the day on which you were born *and* as Poozer's pointed out to me the other day, 6 is 9 upside down... couldn't be more of a perfect date... we'll see though! This is the year of the Rat which means your Son and I will share the same Chinese New Year sign, I think that's awesome. They say when it's your year, good things will happen... well your Son being born is proof that this is a good year for Rats! (1996 sucked, remember? ;) )
I love and miss you Sonshine - To the Moon and Back and Back Again. Take care of Poozers, Sarah, her girls and your Son, keep them safe. Thank you Sonshine.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Empty Nest
Hello my Precious Sonshine. Well as you've already heard, your Poozers is getting her own place with Becca. I have not seen her this happy in I don't know how long. Seeing her so happy helps take some of my sadness away but I am feeling the Empty Nest Syndrome, major! Life has really handed me some doozies over the past 8 months, damn. I have to say though, I am having loads of fun helping Coley and Becca with picking stuff out, ordering services, etc... it makes me feel very needed. :) Besides your Mahies, I think Becca is the perfect housemate for Nicki. Maybe one day I'll have a HUGE house and they can come and live in the EAST wing, ha! Your sis is my bestest friend ever, you know that, I'm sure.
I miss you so much Jeremy. Today I sat and stared into your eyes and wondered... do you see me, can you feel what I am feeling... can you feel my love? I hope so.
I love you Sonshine, to the Moon and Back and Back Again. Your Poozers outwitted me and loves me to Pluto which I suppose is farther than the moon... she's so competitive, that sister of yours. ;)
Your Son should be entering the world any day now... wow. I'm so nervously excited and sad at the same time. Weird, huh?
Say hello to my Daddy. You two take care of each other. Love, Your Mahies
Jun 13 2008
Good morning my Precious Sonshine. Just sittin' on the bus thinking of you as always. Father's Day is soon and here I am missing a Father and a Son the first year. I will wish you both a happy Father's Day anyway and you two wish each other HFD as well. Yesterday was 5 months since your Papa died. Daddy's death just hasn't sunk in with me.. I'm still trying to process and cope with the fact that you no longer walk the Earth. Hoping that you two are together helps me because I don't want you to be alone. I love you Jeremy. To The Moon and Back and Back Again. I miss you, every second of every day. Your Mahies
Jun 10 2008
My Precious Sonshine - I miss you so very much. I have so many things to say but to avoid your page becoming "confessions of a drama queen" I will just say I love you and I miss you and life will never be the same.
To the Moon and Back and Back again Jer - I love you. Love, Mahies Jun 4 2008
:::sigh:::
I miss you Jeremy. I Love you Sonshine.
Mom
Jun 1 2008
Good night my Precious Sonshine.
May 30 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine. Here it is, the Eve of your and Sarah's baby shower. You will not be here in body but oh my, you sure will be in spirit. You are everywhere in my home - 26 years of memories, all over. Now splashed with lots of blue cute baby decorations. I had no idea how difficult putting together this shower would be for me. All the planning and ordering stuff, that was easy... putting it all out last night and today, that was not so easy. No matter how hard it is to be a first time Grandmahies without you here to share in the joy, I promise you I will be the best Grandmahies that I can be to your and Sarah's Son...for as long as I live. I will do my best to be an important and good part of Remy's life and help Sarah in any way that I am able. I miss you Jeremy... to the moon and back and back again. I love you so much. Forever your beloved Mom. xoxoxoxo May 23 2008
I love and miss you so much, my Precious Sonshine. May 17 2008
Hello my precious Sonshine. I have gone a little nutso with gifts and things for your Son. Some I will keep until he's older because he's a wee bit too young for some of the things I've found him while cruising in Alaska and Canada. My heart just breaks everytime something so cute catches my eye and I can't share it with you. I don't think I was meant to be a first-time Grandma without my Sonshine to share in the joy - it just sickens me to no end. I want to cry and be sad every minute of every day but I know that is just not possible. In order to "live" with those around me, I must continue to "fake it til I make it" so to speak. I can smile and laugh on the outside but on the inside I am perpetually sad and forever heartbroken. Asking why is just pointless but yet I still do it everyday since you died. Why? Why MY beautiful Sonshine? I know nobody knows. I miss you with a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. SO SO damn much Jeremy. :( The trip was somewhat refreshing but I am happy to be going home where I can be alone to grieve instead of having to fake joy all time. I love you Jeremy, forever. I miss you to the Moon and Back and Back Again. All my Love, Mahies. ********* Hello my precious Sonshine. I haven't written as much these past two weeks cuz I've been on a trip but not one moment has gone by without you on my mind and in my heart. I miss you so much, it hurts so deeply. I love you Jer.
May 11 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine :*
In Juneau, AK today - thinking of you every minute. Mother's Day today, I confess I cried a lot first thing in the morning for awhile - missed my Happy Mother's Day Mahies call and text from you. Pappy Vern gave me a card and included you in the signature. It was so very wonderful of him not to be afraid to do that. He of course knew I would cry but he's not afraid of my tears, thank goodness. I love you Sonshine. I miss you so much, it's so painful.
My beautiful precious Son.
All my Love, Mom
May 9 2008
I miss you Sonshine.
May 7 2008
My precious sonshine :* I'm trying so hard to enjoy myself on this cruise but its damn hard - I really have to focus. I don't want to spoil Pappy Verns time. He and I both are wearing the wristbands that Vicki had made in your honor; we haven't taken them off. I love you Jer. To the moon and back and back again. I miss you terribly :( Love, Mahies
May 4, 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine.
Nicki, Grammy and I celebrated an early Mother's Day today today since I will be away next Sunday. I honestly don't know if I even want to think about Mother's Day since you're in Heaven and I won't be with Nicki. Nicki gave me one of those cards that you record into and she recorded a message, in your Mr. Potato Head voice - I could actually close my eyes and hear you at age 11! She sounds JUST like you did when you were prepubescent!
Needless to say the recording said, "I love you Mahies, a lot, a LOT!" Just like you always said. :) Cutest freaking voice, EVER! I can't wait to hear your Poozers do your impression of Donald Duck! You were hysterical! I'm sure all the angels in Heaven are enjoying your impressions as much as Nicki and I did over the bunches of years that we were together.
Grammy gave me a black satchel with a HUGE sunflower on it and I call it my Sonshineflower bag.
I love you Sonshine - to the moon and back and back again. And believe it or not, I miss you MORE than that.
My Love Forever, Mahies. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
PS - I'm simply ignoring what day it is and goin' with May 3.5 as Grammy recently decreed.
April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Beautiful Mother’s Day gift
Current mood: grateful
Hello My Precious Sonshine! I had lunch with Sarah and Jessie yesterday. Sarah brought me the most beautiful and thoughtful Mother's Day gift; I was touched beyond words! I had to come and share it with you of course! She also brought me a mini white rose bush so Pappy Vern and I will plant it alongside the bush that you gave me a few years back.
It's so sweet of Sarah to have been so thoughtful to me for Mother's Day. She understands that this will be a very difficult day for me. It will be hard for her as well since I know you made sure the girls did the day up right for her. If I were going to be here I'd make sure we had a special day together but we already said we'd do something next year. I'll be in Juneau, AK this year, missing you (and Nicki too!) very much.
I miss you so much Jer. Life without you is still so surreal.
I love you Sonshine, to the Moon and Back and Back again.
Apr 23 2008 12:23 PM
Hello my Precious Sonshine. I want you to know that even if I don't write you every day, not a second goes by that you're not on my mind. Your beautiful face is around my neck every day, your pictures are everywhere and your beautiful spirit lives within my heart, forever. My Beautiful Son. I miss you. I love you. I am so heartbroken over you having to leave the Earth so young. You deserved longer. Nobody needs you more than those who needed you here...no matter what they say. All my Love, Mahies
Apr 18 2008 10:43 PM
I Love you Jer, to the Moon and back and back again. Good night my Precious Sonshine, sleep tight. My God I miss you so much.
All my Love, Mom
Apr 15 2008 2:51 PM
I miss you and love you so much, my Precious Sonshine. To the Moon and back and back again.
I Love You and Miss you Jeremy. My Precious Sonshine. How strange it all is now... how very very strange.
April 4, 2008
Quatro sucks
Hello my precious Sonshine. For me the number four equates with the most unbearable heartache and pain that I could ever imagine. I hate the number four. I will only like it for a short while while your beautiful Son is four years old. When he turns 5, that’s it.. back to hating 4! I’ve never hated anything in my entire life, except for maybe lima beans (right Mumsie?) but I do *hate* the number 4. Is that completely and totally irrational? Yes, absolutely but it’s my hate so it is what it is.
Five months without my Sonshine. Unbearable.
I love you Jer. To the Moon and Back and Back Again.
All my love to you in Heaven, Mahies
PS - I adore your friend Linda. She has been so kind and supportive to me... me... just a stranger and yet... she is there.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
TTMABABA
Hello my Precious Sonshine. Insomnia has no consideration on whether it’s a work night or not...so I can simply plan another day of being exhausted. Good thing I can close the door and nap in my office, haha. I write and I write and I write and then I pray that you’ll answer me in my dreams but lately, my dreams about you have been tragic. When you first died, we kissed you gave me JerBear hugs... now my dreams are all about you dying and your death and I hate it. Please do something if you can. I really need to see you. :(
I love and miss you Jer - you know. TTMABABA.
Take care of the piece of my heart that you hold in yours.
I love you, Mom
March 31, 2008
Hello my Handsome Sonshine.
I spend a lot of time just sitting and staring at all your beautiful pictures. Man oh man you were such a gorgeous child and then grew up to be a very Handsome man. Your Dad and I... how'd we make such beautiful children!? Inside AND out... both of you, HUGE hearts made of gold. Yep.
I miss you Jer but I know you can feel that. Everyone says "Jeremy wouldn't want you to be sad" but you know what I think? I think you know that's just the way it is and no amount of time will make me "UN"sad. I can find ways to cope and I do but to not be sad? Forget it, ain't going to happen. I will be forever sad and I've accepted and faced that so I guess others will have to accept it as well. ;)
I Love you Jer, to the Moon and back and back again.
Missing you forever Sonshine. Mom xoxoxoxoxoxo
Mar 29 2008 11:20 PM
I have a pair of these for you Jer but I just ordered another pair for your Son. I am so sad for the baby that you are not here to raise him with Sarah. There is just nothing more tragic.
I love you Sonshine, to the moon and back and back again.
Mar 29 2008 6:53 PM
Hello my Precious Sonshine. Your Sis did a wonderful job on the shower invites for your and Sarah's Son. I can't wait for all the "oooo's and ahhhh's" with the cute baby things. That's the best. :) I know you'll be watching too and we'll feel you everywhere. I love and miss you Sonshine, to the moon and back and back again.
Mar 29 2008 1:39 AM
Hello My Precious Sonshine. Your Dad called your Sis yesterday, he could hardly speak. He could only say that he was having a very bad "missing Jeremy" day and that he loved her and then hung up. He left a message on my phone that I could hardly understand... all I got was "Hi Neen" and.. "I really miss our boy." I spoke with him today and he sounded a wee bit better but he is so sad and heartbroken. I can feel his pain as I am living it as well. So many people are missing you Jer... and as for me, well, I am missing you with all that I am. I love you Sonshine, to the moon and back and back again. Good night and good night from your Dad, too.
March 23, 2008
Happy Easter my Precious Sonshine.
I love you to the moon and back and back again. Missing you always.
Love, Mom
March 21, 2008
Precious Sonshine,
Happy Good Friday my Beloved Son.
Keeping in the tradition of you and Nicki teasing me every year because I never grew out of coloring easter eggs (or listening to Raffi!) and you two did... you can surely guess what it is I am doing this evening. Yep, coloring eggs for Easter. :) I will make one especially for you... with a big J and a big SONshine on it! I love and miss you Jer, to the moon and back and back again.
Love you today and always, Mahies
March 19, 2008
Hello my Precious Sonshine.
I thought I'd pop in and tell you how very thoughtful your Cousin Vicki is. :) She sent me the cutest link to a fleece blanket which reminded her of me, you and GrandSonshine. I am going to buy it and put it together with the help of your Sis cuz as you know, I'm not very crafty! I will tell your and Sarah's Son how his Daddy knew that I love him (and his Auntie Nicki!) to the moon and back and back again.
I LOVE and MISS you Jeremy, my precious Sonshine, to the moon and back and back again.
Thank you Miss Vicki, very much. xoxoo
March 16, 2008
Hello Precious Sonshine.
Our candles are always burning brightly in your memory.
I miss and love you to the moon and back and back again. I love you Son. All my Love, Mom
March 14, 2008
Taking Things and People for Granted
I made a big mistake Sonshine. I took it for granted that you would always be here for as long as I was alive. I have never taken it for granted that my parents, my brother, my husband or even friends would always be here. I knew (and still know) that I could outlive any of them and so it makes it more "expected." But one of my children? And in such a tragic and unexpected way? NO, that is wrong!
Of course I now live in paralyzing fear that the Universe will take away your Sister too? I no longer take it for granted that she will always be here for as long as I live. The fear of your Sister dying, on top of the unbearable grief of your death is completely physically and mentally debilitating. I hurt *everywhere* Sonshine, my entire body aches like it has the flu. Not just my heart but everything hurts.
I have another book on grief. Your Sis gave it to me the other day. "After the Death of Child; Living With Loss Through the Years" It's amazing that even in the turmoil of her own unhappiness and grief, your Sister is able to reach out and try to help me. She is an amazing woman and you are a lucky brother to have her for a Sis and I am a *very* lucky Mom to have her as my Daughter. This book is very very intense and I can only read a little at a time because it's so emotional, BUT - it's all *exactly* what I am feeling and so the validation of my feelings really makes me feel less crazy.
Here is a quote from a man named Walter. His son, James, was killed in a motorcycle accident when James was only 18. "I feel I had an experience in life that no one else has had unless they've lost a child. People lose their spouses, they lose their mother and father. But you realize that they may die. The problem with death is that it's so sudden, BANG! It's over, completely, forever. And the difficult realization - that it's final, that's the *difficult* realization. I think you find that out in a month or two after he's dead. I don't think you understand anything until a few months go by. Maybe *more* than a few months"
YES. I can totally and completely empathize with what Walter is saying and what he went through.... *still* going through and his Son has been dead for 9 years. There simply is no recovery when a child dies, of that I am certain.
The stress of your death is taking its toll. Of course I knew it would... how could it not?
I miss you Sonshine - to the moon and back and back again. Take good care of my heart, OK? You took a big piece of it when you died.
I love you - in life, and in death, forever. Mom
March 11, 2008
My Precious Sonshine,
I no longer can go more than a day without a breakdown. It's getting worse with each passing moment. I expend so much energy trying to help others with your death that I am not taking proper care of myself and my own grief. I reach out to some but nobody really knows what to say or do to make me feel better and truthfully, there is nothing.
People are moving on Jeremy, that's what they do. I can not. I have no where to move on to... you and Nicki are my life, my heart, my everything. Half of that is gone forever. I have got to get help. Your Poozers said she'll go too. Thank goodness. I worry so much about her. I am so heartsick and suffer deeply. Lois told me that the day came that she was able to say goodbye to Caren, but she didn't tell me how long that took her. I'm not sure I'll live long enough to be able to say goodbye to you and accept that you have died. It's just not possible. By God, I think I should be allowed 26 years to grieve because that is how long I knew and loved you so very much. How can I be who I was without you here?
My God I miss you. I miss you so much, I just want a Jeremy hug. I want to hear "I love you Mahies, a lot, a LOT" again and again, over and over. Mr PotatoHead Rules!
That is what the "experts" say about a tragic loss.
Tragic Loss
"Loss of a loved one due to accident; suicide or homicide can be devastating because there has been no preparation for these occurrences. Grief is often delayed or complicated. That knowledge will not lessen your pain, or minimize your grief, but it may give you courage, when possible, to give yourself up to it. That is the only way healing can begin.
Survivors are in need of long-term compassion and understanding. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more."
March 4, 2008
My Precious and Beloved Sonshine,
It's been four long miserable and sad months since your death.
You are my Sonshine You are the sadness in my eyes You are the shatter in my heart You are my precious gift that was taken away You are never going to leave my mind You are going to have to come to my dreams more often please You are going to be a Daddy soon You are so loved.
I am miserable I am lonely I am alive but I feel mostly numb I am heartsick I am heartbroken I am alone but I know I am not I am so sad I am loved
I do not know how to stop crying I do not know how to stop missing you I do not know why the Universe took you I do not know why I am here and you are not I do not know how to not be obsessed with my Jeremy projects I do not know how to let you go I do not know if you still feel my love. I do not know why people hesitate to say your name
I love and miss you Jeremy - to the moon and back and back again.
All my love, Your Devoted Mahies.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
My Dear Beloved Sonshine,
My emotional rollercoaster is at full speed these past 48 hours.
Every young man I see looks like you. There are tons and tons of Ninja bikes that look like yours... the whole world reminds me of you.
You are on my mind, in my thoughts, in my heart - 24 hours a day. Your name jumps out at me everytime I get into my van. I look in my rear view mirror and there you are, RIP My Sonshine - Jeremy Haywood. I think I will soon change that to In Loving Memory. I have mixed feelings about the acronym "RIP" so I may have to change my words to more loving words, like this website. Things hit me weirdly these days I tell ya... Rest In Peace is fine but RIP makes me nuts - isn't that weird?
I miss you JeremySon - my precious Sonshine. To the moon and back and back again.
I love you, Mom
PS - Please help your Poozers, she needs you. I love you.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Hello My Precious Sonshine. :)
Well I've tried to keep my thoughts and notes to you in three different places but it's just too time consuming so this will be my official and only place to talk to you. So come on over to your website to hear me!
I know that life is for the living Jer but how does a Mom "survive" and continue to "live" when one of her precious children has died? I have yet to answer that question but I desperately want to figure it out. I don't want to be angry all the time but I'm not sure I will ever really, *really* understand why I am here and you are not.
You are not here Jer but what *is* here are my precious memories of you, all your school-age notes and drawings, the things you made me like the ceramic bear with the heart that says "World's Greatest Mom" and pictures of you growing up, all the cards you've ever given me, etc. I was able to get the birthday hug guy that I gave you years ago so I have that too. That makes me very happy to have that. Chuck convinced me *not* to put it in your casket but to keep it myself and I am so glad he did.
We had dinner with Chuck and Olivia last Friday. I don't want to lose touch with them so I will make an extra effort to see them as much as I can. Dinner was a lot of fun and they had never heard our Jeremy park ranger story so Nicki told them and had them cracking up. Silly Jer! :)
I miss you Sonshine. I don't wake up anymore at "4:20" and I appreciate that but please keep sending me those other signs. I will always feel connected to you Sonshine, always. Once it was by an umbilical cord, now it is by my deep love and memories of you.
I love you Jeremy. Love, Mahies
Monday, February 18, 2008
Don't tell me this is part of life.. There is no way I will hear you. This pain that cuts sharp like a knife... shreds my heart in two.
My Son, a man so strong and free... has been sent to Heaven too soon. The blocking chain he did not see... light too scarce from the moon.
Much Earthly happiness is gone... since Jeremy took his leave. Please don’t tell me to move on… I miss my Sonshine, I will always grieve.
So many heads are shaking… how could Jeremy die? Hundreds of hearts are breaking We all want to know why. Sonshine, you leave behind a laddie.. a BabyBoy oh so new. So sad he will not meet his Daddy... but we'll be sure he knows you.
I love you Sonshine. Love, Mahies
Monday, February 18, 2008
Good Morning my Precious Sonshine! :*
I've got some things to share with you that your Uncle Walt has written to me recently.
In reference to the death of a child, he said to me "millions of beautiful mothers throughout human history have regained themselves in due time." For whatever wonderful reason those words really warmed my heart and gave me some hope that some day I may find some of myself again.
Now... onto the comic relief. Be sure and share this with Papa cuz you know Papa would get a laugh!
Your Uncle Walt picked up Papa's ashes and sent me mail - it said: "I brought Dad's ashes home today. I coulda sworn the box yelled at me on the way home. :) Papa and I had a nice ride home and though at first I thought it undignified, he'll be resting for awhile where I think he'd be most at home, in my garage. By the way, he's lost a lot of weight." Ya just gotta love your Uncle for bringing humor into a sad situation! What a nut he is but he made reading about Dad's ashes so much easier with his humor.
Uncle Walt loves and misses you Jer. Hell, everyone who knew and loved you does, that's for sure.
Pappy Vern and I spent a couple of days up in North Tahoe. The snow was beautiful. So many memories of when you and Nicki were little and we'd go to Tahoe with your Dad or a couple times to the snow with Uncle Walt and Aunt Cindi (and your cuz's!) or our friends Cindy and Gary and their two boys.
I have such beautiful memories of our time together Jer. You were a complete joy to raise and you became such an incredible man. Once again I say, I am such a proud Mom.
I love you Sonshine. I miss you to the Moon and back and back again.
All my Love to you in Heaven, Mahies.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thank you to Dearest Kaitlyn for sending this to me.
Monday, Febuary 11, 2008
Hello My Precious Sonshine :*
Look what Poozers sent me yesterday. Do the words look familiar to you? :) Yep, they're still hanging on the wall with all the beautiful pictures in the big frame that you and your Sis gave me for Christmas, 2004. Your Sis is really going to miss doing projects like that with you, and I will miss getting them. :( I love you Sonshine - to the moon and back and back again.
(From my beautiful Coley)
My Mom's a special person She hugs me all the time She helps me do a lot of things I might be scared to try She lets me know I messed up And sometimes she gets mad But even then she's still the best Mom Two kids ever had Oh Mother, I need you everyday I think I'll keep you Oh Mother I love you even more than songs can say You're funny and you're smart You Finish what you start If I could I'd elect you President of the Mother's No matter where I go I hope it always shows You're the very best Mom I know Oh Mother I need you everyday I think I'll keep you Oh Mother I love you even more than songs can say You're the very best specialist person.. In the world!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I found this to be slightly disconcerting, considering the name of the poem. I miss you Sonshine. :*
All my love, Mahies
The Broken Chain
We little knew that God was going to call your name, In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone. For part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide, And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
--Author Unknown--
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Hey Sonshine :*
Here's a precious Happy Hearts "I love you Beary much" Bear for our very precious JerBear.
I miss you bunches and bunches Jer, bunches.
Friday, February 8 2008 - Goodnight Jer
Good night my Precious Sonshine. I love you.
I miss you to the moon and back and back again.
All my love, Mahies
Friday, February 08, 2008 - Proud to Be Jer's Mom
I read this letter over and over to unbreak my heart just a little - Thank you Linda xoxoxoxo
November 6, 2007
My name is Linda and I work at ***. Jeremy and I were really good friends.
First of all, I wanted to express my deepest sympathies to you and the family. I am so sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to let you know a couple of things that Jeremy said to me last week because I am not sure I will have the chance to talk to you at the services.
Jeremy and I had a 1/2 hour conversation last week. Now I am sure you know this, but he loved you very very much. He talked about you and said that he loved you and that you were everything to him. Not only did he say this last week to me, but he has told me this many times when we would hang out after work, etc. He always said "I love my Mom so much".
Your son was an angel. The only thing that comforts me is that he is home now with the angels where he belongs with the other angels.
Jeremy was there for me when I was diagnosed with cancer. and he even came to visit me when I was recovering from surgery. He always made me feel good and always would make me feel special. He even told me that I was his hero and that I was the strongest person I know. I am so glad that I have those memories because Jeremy is MY hero.
I cannot tell you how much he was loved here at @@@. Everybody agrees that he is the greatest loss we could ever imagine. His smile and his positive attitude made everyone happy.
I am deeply saddened by this loss and I will never forget him, EVER!!! Jeremy was my little ray of sunshine everyday. We used to follow eachother on El Camino on the way home every day. I cried on the way home yesterday, everytime a motorcycle drove by.
I will be at the services on Friday and can't wait to meet you. May God bless you and the family at this time. I will be in prayer for you all.
With my deepest sympathies, Linda
Friday, February 08, 2008 - Another Day
(Thank you to Mumsie for having this question on one of her crossword puzzles the other day. It reminded me to post it because I'm sure Paul wrote it about me, ha.)
Another Day - Paul McCartney
Every day she takes her morning bath, she wets her hair Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair It's just another day Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat It's just another day.
At the office where the papers grow, she takes a break Drinks another coffee and she finds it hard to stay awake It's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day.
So sad, so sad, sometimes she feels so sad Alone in an apartment she'd dwell Till the Son of her dreams comes to break the spell Ah, stay, don't stand her up And he comes, and he stays, but he leaves the next day, so sad Sometimes she feels so sad.
As she posts another letter to the sound of five People gather 'round her and she finds it hard to stay alive It's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day, ay ay ay.
So sad, so sad, sometimes she feels so sad Alone in an apartment she'd dwell Till the Son of her dreams comes to break the spell Ah, stay, don't stand her up And he comes, and he stays, but he leaves the next day, so sad Sometimes she feels so sad.
Every day she takes her morning bath, she wets her hair Wraps a towel around her as she's heading for the bedroom chair It's just another day Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes Dipping in the pocket of her raincoat Oo, it's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day, chn chn chn chn chn chn It's just another day.
Thursday, February 7, 2007 - 4:20 AM! Let Me Sleep Jer!
Hi Sonshine. What's up with my waking up at 4:20? I need my sleep hon, if you don't mind. ;) I miss you Jer. Even after three months your death still feels so surreal. I love you Sonshine.
Love, Mahies
Wednesday, February 6, 2007 - Pops Is FIFTY!
Hello Sonshine :*
Your Pops turned 50 yesterday, wow! How 'bout that, eh? I dare not think how quickly time will pass to where I'll be writing you about *my* 50th.
Time certainly does march on and it doesn't seem to care who marches with it. So sad but yet, it's part of life isn't it? I really really miss all your History channel stories - you always made the "boring" so interesting to me! Thank you Sonshine.
You know how much I miss you, don't you? You know exactly how much you've meant to me for the past 26 years, don't you? I know you do, you must. I am sure I always made sure you knew and I hope your spirit knows too.
I love you Jer. Life on Earth is sad without you here.
Love, Mahies
Monday February 4, 2008 - 3 months
Hello Sonshine. :*
Three very long and sad months without you here on Earth.
That's all.
I love you very much. I miss you madly.
Love, Mahies
Sunday, February 3, 2008 - Shopping for GrandSonshine.
Hello Sonshine. :*
I bought your Son a bassinet today. :) Your Sarah picked it out and it is so darn adorable!
Shopping for GrandSonshine would be so much more enjoyable if you were here to enjoy it too. I hope you're up there smiling and that you know I will do all that I can do to help Sarah with the baby. She's taking great care to ensure the safety of her precious cargo!
GrandPappy Vern will be a wonderful male role model for your Son. As his Daddy, his role model should have been you but alas...that can not be. Not in body anyway but definitely in spirit. He will know his Daddy because you know there are tons of us who will see to that!
I know Vern will do his very best along with your Pops, Chuck and Matt who I know will be there to help guide your Son as he grows. (With all that difficult guy stuff, you know?)
I'm going to be a Grandma... it's very exciting!
I miss you Jer. I love you Sonshine to the moon and back and back again.
Love, Mahies
Friday, February 01, 2008 - The End of Days
My Precious Sonshine,
I received a note from your friend Linda today. You sure made an impression on her Jer. She has such wonderful and loving things to say about you. I am so proud of you Sonshine. My God I miss you so much. I joined a grief forum and there are Mom's in there that even after 5, 10,15 years haven't gotten over their child dying. I am not surprised but I'm definitely worried about the rest of my days.
I love you Sonshine, goodnight Mom
Thursday, January 31, 2008 - Gliddy glub gloopy nibby nabby noopy la la la lo lo
o/` Good morning Sonshine, your Mom says hello! You twinkle above us, we twinkle below. Good morning Sonshine, you lead us along. Your Sis and me as we sing, our early morning we miss you song. o/`
Thursday, January 31, 2008 - Not My Words But Definitely My Life
Today I touched your face again and watched you for awhile, I talked of things deep in my heart and wished I could make you smile, I rubbed your head and told you, "I'm proud of you my *Sonshine*" For all the little things you did and the way you did each one, You show such courage daily and you teach me how to live, To make each moment count in life and to give what I can give, Did I tell you "You're my Hero" when I saw you yesterday? Or did it slip my mind as I put you away? I know your time on earth was short, but it's how you lived each day, You made the most of what you had and always found a way, You touched the hearts around you, to love them while you may, I wish with all my heart right now, the face I touched today, Wasn't made of paper or neatly placed away, But I will put you on the shelf again, for all the world to see, I'll talk to you tomorrow, just like I do each day, And I'll tell you "You're my Hero" as I gently walk away.
I love you Sonshine. Your Mahies
Wednesday, January 30, 2008 - Mom's and Their Cubs
Hey Sonshine,
I came across a bike forum where there was a post about your accident. One of the responses to that post was so very cold and insensitive that I couldn't help but register and post something myself. No way will I allow anyone (stranger or otherwise) to dishonor your memory.
One of the members from that forum visited your jeremyhaywood.com page and left a message in your guestbook that I thought was just priceless.
I love you very much Jer and miss you madly. To the moon and back and back again Sonshine.
From your Guestbook, I quote:
"I never met you or your family, but was touched at a comment your mom made on our forum. She was defending you, which is what we all want our moms to do for us. Peace with you and your family. Love overcomes all."
Saturday, January 26, 2008 - Hole
From your first breath to your last, your love was my air. Now I breathe but as half a woman with a big empty hole in my chest. I miss you Jeremy and it's so easy to pretend you're at home and we'll get together very soon. I fear for my sanity during those moments. Ha.
I love you. Goodnight Sonshine. Your Mahie xoxoxoxox
Thursday, January 24, 2008 - Not Dead To Me
Hello Sonshine :*
A quote (from "Alice Walker") from the "Daily Meditations and Working through Grief" book that your Dad gave me:
"I don't believe you're dead. How can you be dead if I still feel you? Maybe, like God, you changed into something different that I'll have to speak to in a different way but you are not dead to me. And never will be. Sometimes when I get tired of talking to myself, I talk to you."
I could have written these words myself. I would have changed "sometimes" to ALL the time because I always tire of talking to myself and I always talk to you. I love you Jer. I miss you to the moon and back and back again.
Love, Mom
Monday, January 21, 2008 - Your Pops
Hello Sonshine xoxoxox
Your Pops came over Friday afternoon and hung out with me for a few hours. He brought me a beautiful book on grieving; it was very very thoughtful. Life is sometimes so strange Jeremy. Who would have imagined that there would be a time in my life that I would really need your Pops again? But I do. Besides your Sis and Pappy Vern, your Pops is the only person I can be around and feel kinda "OK." He is truly the only one who understands my pain of your death, our beloved Son, and I find myself so comforted in his presence now. How could two parents who love a child so much ever imagine that their child would not be with them until their end? It's something Parents never dare think about because it's too painful... the reality of it is beyond any pain imaginable. I speak for your Dad too when I say we love you and we miss you so very much.
Love your Mahies and your Pops - forever.
Saturday, January 19, 2008 - Watching Over Your Sister
Hello Sonshine, wow. Thank you for taking care of your Sister. She scared the living you-know-what out of me when she called tonight crying and in a panic. She got into an accident on 680 tonight but she instantly said "Mom, I am OK!" Thank God.. thank YOU, thank Papa! Oh what would I do? I can not bear to think of anything other than her being OK. It was a three-car accident on the freeway and NO one was hurt, thank goodness. Her Tahoe took a beating though but WHO CARES? Your Sister was not hurt. (Grateful and relieved tears.)
Her truck saved her just like my big K5 saved you and Nate back when you were a teen and smashed into a phone pole. I haven't seen her truck yet but she said it's pretty banged up in the front. I loved it that you kids wanted to drive big trucks like I had. It always made me feel better knowing you were safely surrounded by a LOT of metal.
Thank you my AngelSon. You took care of your Poozers and I love you so much for that. My precious Sonshine.
I miss you.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 123456
Hello Sonshine.
I've got a picture to show you. Remember about a month before you died I called you all excited and I said "Jer! In exactly 330 miles my odometer will read 123456?" You laughed. You said "Mahie, you are such a nut!" I said "Iiiiiiiiiii know! I will send you the picture when it hits 123456"
My odometer hit 123456 on the day of your service. Pappy Vern, Nicki and I were on our way to your service and it turned, I was so upset. But Nicki saved the day with her camera phone. Thank goodness for Coley.
Here's the pic Sonshine, just as I promised.
I love and miss you Jer - to the moon and back and back again.
Mahies
Tuesday, January 15, 2008 - Slapping myself
Hello Sonshine. I haven't much to say tonight. I am weary and sad and at this moment feeling too damn sorry for myself. I will slap me.
I love you Jer. Say hello to my Daddy for me. I am missing you to the moon and back and back again. Love, Mom
Monday, January 14, 2008 - Pendant for Baby Haywood
Hello Sonshine :*
I am saving a pendant for your baby boy or girl when he/she is old enough to wear it as proudly as I wear mine. (Of course mine says "My Precious Sonshine.")
I love you Jer and miss you secondly!
Love, Mahies
Saturday, January 12, 2008 - Papa
Hello Sonshine :*
Have you seen Papa yet? He died this morning and I think he's coming to keep you company. Tell him that his Princess loves him very much and will miss him. Be sure he knows how much I appreciated that he was able to make the trip down for your services. I know it was very hard for him and he hated having to sit in that damn wheelchair. I'm sure he wished that he had stopped smoking years and years before he finally did. But alas... he stopped too late to make his quality of life better. :( It was so hard for him to breathe so walking long ways was just not possible so he brought the chair with him.
Take care of each other. I'm sure he'll put you to work pulling his weeds, yet again! ;)
I love you Sonshine. I miss you to the moon and back.
Love,
Mom
To my Precious Sonshine and Dad. I love you both so very much and miss you to the moon and back.
All my love - Mahies and Princess
Now and forever - Carole King Now and forever, you are a part of me And the memory cuts like a knife Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight When you walked into my life
Now and forever, I'll remember All the promises still unbroken And think about all the words between us That never needed to be spoken
We had a moment, just one moment That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime We are the lucky ones Some people never get to do all we got to do Now and forever, I will always think of you
Didn't we come together, didn't we live together Didn't we cry together Didn't we play together, didn't we love together And together we lit up the world
I miss the tears, I miss the laughter I miss the day we met and all that followed after Sometimes I wish I could always be with you The way we used to do Now and forever, I will always think of you Now and forever, I will always be with you
Wednesday January 09, 2008 - Mother and Child Bond Hello Sonshine :* Sleep won't seem to come tonight so best to get up and write to you as opposed to lying in the dark, right? Juan gave me the most amazing and thoughtful gift yesterday and if you haven't seen it with your spiritual eyes yet, I am showing it to you here. It's a pendant symbolizing the incomparable bond between Mother and Child. The card that came with it says "An artful and elegant expression of one of the strongest bonds in nature: The love a Mother has for her children." I haven't taken it off since he gave it to me. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness and insight on such a beautifully elegant gift. Wow.
I will say goodnight now and maybe catch a z or two. I miss you Jeremy.
All my love to the moon and back, Mom
Tuesday, January 08, 2008 - Revelations Hello Sonshine :* I had an epiphany this morning. I have found an "interesting" pattern in my grieving process. The pain and "pressure" builds and builds and builds and while it is building, I get angrier, more reclusive and less "approachable." etc... I speak to no one. Then when the dam finally breaks and the meltdown happens, I find "peace" for a day or sometimes two and for that short day or two, I find that I am about 50% back to my "old self." The cycle then begins all over again. The meltdowns usually occur within a week or two. It happened yesterday/last night and after it was over, I came to the realization of the pattern that has formed. I talked to PappyVern about my "revelation" this morning and he said he noticed quite awhile ago. (Obviously more observant than I am.) I had to laugh and say "You poor thing... you're probably just sitting and praying for the "meltdown" so that I (YOU) will have a day or two of peace." He's taking a lot of my crap and thank goodness PappyVern and I were solid when you died. Lesser men or weaker relationships may not survive such a tragedy. I still have my fears and I share them with him but he assures me that he's going nowhere. I need to have more faith in our marriage but I feel sorry for him that he's now 'saddled' with a broken wife. He loved you very much and is very sad too but I'm sure he doesn't completely comprehend the devastation inside of me and I just feel like now he's stuck with me... he didn't sign on for this but alas... who did? :(I miss you Sonshine; every moment of every day. All my Love, Mom Monday, January 07, 2008 - Goodnight Sonshine :* Stopping in to say goodnight my Sonshine. :* I don't know why but today was an emotionally draining day. Some days are "better" than others but today was not one of them. I guess I go a day or two or maybe a week and then whammo, it all crashes down again and I fall apart for awhile. I then pick myself back up and start again... I don't kid myself that it won't happen again but I'll go through the appropriate motions until the next "Jer Moment" as your Sis and I call them. I miss you Jeremy. I love you more than love itself. My love, Mom
Sunday, January 06, 2008 - Dreams: Wonderful and Sad at the Same Time
Hello My Sonshine :* I had the most amazing and incredible but sadly-ending dream this morning. I was hanging out on a "grassy knoll" (don't ask I have no idea!) and I was hugging a pillow really tightly and I had my eyes closed. I felt a kiss on my cheek and you said "You tired Ma?" and I said "Is that you Jer? you laughed and said "of course it's me Mom, who else?!" So I said (still with eyes closed) "OK so what is your social security number?" You laughed again and rattled it off. I opened my eyes and said "Woohoo It is you!" and you gave me a wonderfully big BEAR hug and another kiss and said "I won't be seeing you for awhile Mom." It was then I knew that my dream was not going to have a happy ending. BUT I was so happy to see you and feel your kisses on my cheek and your wonderful hug. I started to cry in my dream but with no tears and I woke up feeling so sad. I hope you visit me again soon because even though I wake up sad, seeing you alive and laughing in my dreams is totally worth it. I miss you Sonshine, so very much. Love, Mom Wednesday, January 02, 2008 - Babies Abound! Happy Wednesday Sonshine :* I think it's so cute that Nicki nicknamed Baby Haywood "L'il Bear" and now that's what Sarah is calling him/her... very sweet! More exciting news - Matt and Kaitlyn are expecting too! You and he will be Dad's the same year, how about that? :) Babies abound! I wish you were here to share in the excitement with Sarah and your baby and Matt and Kaitlyn too! You're missing so much it just sucks, major. I miss you bunches and bunches.I love you, Mom xoxoxoxoox Tuesday, January 01, 2008 - To the Moon and Back Hello Sonshine :*
Thinking of you, as always. I miss you to the moon and back.Happy New Year - but not really... no more happy years without you here to share them.Love, Mom
angry 
grateful 
